In the night

Under bright stars

Playing this old guitar

Singing a tune

Never wanting to escape

Never wanting to leave me

Here alone in the dark

I hope we never fall apart

For you and me

Hoping it sounds oh so sweet

Make you love me

Fall under my spell

Never wanting to escape

Never wanting to leave me

Here alone in the dark

I hope we never fall apart

Sitting on the old roof

Everything goes so smooth

I rest my head on your shoulder

You softly kiss my forehead

Never wanting to escape

Never wanting to leave me

Here alone in the dark

I hope we never fall apart

Sweep me off my feet

Feels like I’m in a dream

Drifting into timeless space

Here in your arms

Do you ever feel like your having a battle with yourself? I feel like that right now as a matter of fact. I feel as though my paranoia has reached a new peak. I spent Monday and Tuesday with Joshua as well as a portion of today (Wednesday), but for the past few days I feel like I’m preparing myself to lose my mind. Does that make any sense? I honestly feel like I’m creating these images and elaborate schemes of things in my head just to scare the piss out of myself or harm myself. It’s incredibly unbearable; I’m at the point where I coop myself up in my room for fear of letting anyone see the hurt in my eyes. I’m so in love with Joshua that I set myself up to fear the worst, him leaving me for whatever reason or simply just us falling apart. I have so many nightmares about it when I’m not with him, hell even when I’m with him I sit and fester about it all day. I bottle up as much as I can but I can’t help let questions among other things slip and let him into my thoughts. I feel absolutely rotten to the core about it all but I just can’t seem to shake it. After falling madly in love with Kevin so many years ago and having to go through and pick myself up again after it I’ve never really been the same Caitlyn. Am I meant to fear being in love for life? No, I don’t truly believe so. I feel that after some time I may be able to sort all this out, but I do know that for the time being I’ve only got myself and Joshua to handle this monstrosity. Although I hate how helpless he looks sometimes when these things happen and I hate how much I hurt him with my words. I want more than anything for him to just hug me all the time and tell me everything is alright. I hate that even when he tries to do that the other side of me pushes him away. I literally force isolation on myself while the inner parts of me cry out for company, a friend, a lover, or just someone to hold me. I hate how no matter how many love letters, drawings, little tasks around the house here and there or how many times I tell Joshua I love him he may never look at it as anything but an obsession. I feel like a wounded dog ever since he said I was obsessed with him jokingly or not. I don’t know, I just don’t like that the idea of everything I’ve done or have been doing seems so excessive it’s dubbed/mocked as “obsessive”. The worst part is my jealousy and protective nature isn’t really helping to change that factor either. The only way to describe my jealousy and protectiveness is by oddly enough a quote from a yaoi anime called Junjou Romanitca, “I’m jealous of anything or person that comes near you.” I want to be the only one allowed to be in his company, the only one he lays eyes on or is allowed to lay eyes on him, the only one he’ll talk to, the only one he’ll smile or laugh at/with, the only one to hold his heart. I want to protect him from everything may it be from falling, hurtful words, rude gestures, people hitting on him or making passes at him, I want to protect the people in his family that matter most to him so if anything were to hurt them he would not be hurt, and I want to protect him from me. ( -_-‘ even all this sounds obsessive. I just can’t seem to win) I don’t want to give up, but I’m nearing the point where I’m too scared to keep trying. It’s too much all at once, my head keeps making things worse and in turn it makes my heart cry and ache constantly. How do I stop it? Where do I seek help? Who do I trust, my mind or my heart?
Heart: “He makes me happy in so many ways and takes really good care of me. Because he takes such good care of me he has potential for a permanent mark in my life. He’s the first guy to really love me back and at least put off the illusion that it’s as much as I love him and not half assed. He’s the man of many firsts, “every door opens a window”.
Mind: “He may make everything hunky dory but what will happen when he leaves or if things fall apart beneath our feet? Will you be able to move on or even get back up? What happens if your health deteriorates more, do you want to put him through that? What if you get tired of his smoking habits or his unorganized life? What if he falls out of love with you? What if you finally push him past his limits and he finally stops arguing and just leaves? What if he has been seeing someone else this whole time?
What if something happened to him, like a car wreck or something? What if he gets tired of constantly having to take care of me and keep track of my mind and moods? What makes me better than anyone else, like liz? Liz was actually dubbed loopy by professional people, what about un-medicated loopy me? Josh doesn’t need two crazies in his life *past or present*.
Ugh I could go on but I guess everything in my head points to one thing…what if he’s no longer in my life?
^such a scary thought it makes the tears well up in my eyes and catch my breath.